187 | The Emotions Behind Your Clutter with Lesley Spellman

The Emotions Behind Your Clutter with Lesley Spellman

What if the reason you have a hard time decluttering has less to do with the actual stuff and more to do with how you feel about it?

That was one of my biggest takeaways from my conversation with professional organizer Lesley Spellman, cofounder of The Declutter Hub. Lesley and her business partner, Ingrid Jansen, have helped thousands of people declutter their homes, and their approach goes much deeper than filling donation bags and clearing off countertops.

During our conversation, Lesley said that getting rid of stuff is actually a byproduct of the decluttering process. I loved that because after organizing for almost 20 years, I’ve seen how true it is. Most people know how to get rid of something. The hard part is deciding to get rid of it.

Once you understand the emotional reasons for clutter, those decisions start to make a lot more sense.

Why We Have Such a Hard Time Letting Go

Think about something in your home that you know you don’t use, but you still can’t seem to part with.

Maybe you spent a lot of money on it. Someone you love might have given it to you, or perhaps it belonged to your mom or grandmother. There are also things we keep because we hope we’ll use them someday, even though “someday” hasn’t happened in years.

Lesley used the example of an expensive pair of shoes. Imagine spending $200 on beautiful shoes, wearing them once, and getting terrible blisters. Every time you see them sitting on the shelf, you know you probably won’t wear them again. Still, getting rid of them feels terrible because you spent so much money.

Keeping the shoes doesn’t bring the $200 back. Instead, every time you see them, you get another reminder of the money you regret spending.

That’s where guilt becomes part of the clutter.

Guilt can show up in many other ways too. We feel guilty getting rid of gifts because someone chose them for us. Environmental concerns can make us feel bad about throwing something away. Family belongings bring up another layer because we may believe we have a responsibility to preserve them.

Recognizing the emotion gives us a chance to understand why the decision feels so difficult.

When a Thought Feels Like a Fact

This part of our conversation reminded me of something I see all the time when I’m coaching women through organizing decisions.

We have thoughts about our belongings that we’ve repeated for so many years that they start to sound like facts. “You’re supposed to keep family heirlooms” is a perfect example.

Recently, I was working through a decision with a client who had some plates connected to her family. As we talked about them, I noticed how uncomfortable it even felt to question the idea that we’re supposed to keep family heirlooms.

But who says?

As soon as we realize that something is a thought rather than an absolute fact, we have more options. We can look at the item and decide what we actually want to believe about it.

Maybe keeping it feels meaningful and you genuinely want it in your home. Great. Keep it.

On the other hand, you may realize you’ve been storing something for 25 years because you thought a good daughter would keep it. Seeing that belief clearly gives you the opportunity to decide whether you still want to live by it.

That awareness can make decluttering feel completely different.

Where Should You Start Decluttering?

One of the most common things I hear from women who want to get organized is, “I don’t know where to start.”

Lesley had a very specific answer: start in the kitchen.

Her reasoning makes so much sense. When we imagine decluttering our homes, our brains tend to jump to the hardest things first. We picture family photos, our kids’ belongings, sentimental keepsakes, books we love, or boxes we inherited from our parents.

No wonder we feel overwhelmed before we begin!

A kitchen gives you plenty of opportunities to practice making easier decisions. It’s also naturally divided into small areas, which means you don’t have to “organize the kitchen.” You can start with one drawer, one cabinet, your mugs, or your glasses.

Many of those decisions are practical. How many spatulas do you need? Are any foods expired? Do you really use all 17 coffee mugs?

Each decision helps you practice. Lesley described this as building your “decluttering muscle,” and I think that’s a great way to look at it. You’re developing a skill that gets stronger with use.

Eventually, you’ll be ready to tackle the areas that require more emotional energy.

Be Kinder to Yourself While You Get Organized

Lesley shared three ingredients she believes are important for decluttering success. The first one surprised me because it had nothing to do with containers, labels, or organizing techniques.

It was kindness.

Women can be incredibly hard on themselves about their homes. I hear people say things like, “I’m such a mess,” “I should be able to keep up with this,” or “Why can everyone else do this except me?”

I often ask my clients what they would say to their best friend or their granddaughter in the same situation. They would never speak to someone they love the way they sometimes speak to themselves.

Somehow we’ve gotten the idea that criticizing ourselves will motivate us. In reality, shame and criticism can make it harder to begin because every organizing session becomes another opportunity to prove to ourselves that we’re failing.

Lesley pointed out that decluttering and organizing are skills. Some people learned those skills earlier in life, while others didn’t. Life circumstances can also affect our ability to stay organized. Grief, caregiving, work demands, changing seasons, physical limitations, and many other things can cause our homes to move lower on the priority list for a while.

You can acknowledge where you are without making it mean something terrible about you.

From there, you can learn and practice.

Give Yourself a Bigger Reason to Declutter

The second ingredient Lesley shared was having a goal, and she described two kinds of goals that work together.

First, you need a big-picture reason. “I need to declutter” probably isn’t going to get you very excited when you’d rather be doing almost anything else.

Your bigger reason might be that you want your grandchildren to stay comfortably in your guest room. Maybe you want to invite people over without worrying about what they’ll think when they walk through the door. Downsizing could be in your future, and you want to prepare now instead of waiting until you’re under pressure.

I shared one of my current goals during our conversation. If we decided to sell our house, I would love to be able to get it ready to list in a weekend. As I go through rooms, that vision helps me decide what I would actually want to pack and move.

I’ve also been using the word “elevated” in my own home. Sometimes I jokingly say I want to feel spoiled! I want to walk into my closet, cook in my kitchen, or sit down in a room and enjoy how it feels.

Having that vision makes the decisions more interesting. I’m creating something instead of simply trying to get rid of things.

Along with your big-picture goal, Lesley recommends small, manageable goals. Today’s goal could be one kitchen cabinet. Tomorrow you might tackle the mugs. Those small projects allow you to see progress while the larger vision reminds you why the work matters.

What If You’re Decluttering for Your Kids?

I brought up something I hear frequently from women in my Organized Life Academy: they don’t want to leave all their stuff for their children to deal with someday.

For some, that motivation comes from personal experience. They’ve cleaned out a parent’s home after a death and know how difficult it is to make hundreds or thousands of decisions while grieving.

Lesley agreed that leaving a legacy can be a powerful motivator. Then she added something I hadn’t thought about in quite the same way.

Why not do it for yourself too?

You are the person living in your home right now. You get to enjoy the clear counters, usable guest room, peaceful bedroom, and closet filled with things you actually wear.

Your children may benefit someday, but hopefully that day is a long way off. In the meantime, you could have years of enjoying the home you’ve created.

I loved that reminder.

Get Realistic About Your Home and Your Life

The third ingredient is realism.

It’s easy to scroll through Instagram or Pinterest and compare our homes to spaces that don’t resemble our actual lives. Lesley made the point that we have to work with the home, space, belongings, energy, and life we actually have.

If you live in a one-bedroom apartment, the amount of stuff that comfortably fits in your home will be different from someone living in a four-bedroom house. A woman working full time and caring for an aging parent may not have the same amount of time or energy for decluttering as someone in a completely different season.

Realistic expectations matter when we set timelines too. If you have years of accumulated clutter, deciding that you’ll finish your entire house this month may set you up to feel defeated.

What if it takes a year?

Imagine what your home could look like one year from now if you kept making small, consistent decisions. That sounds pretty amazing to me.

Progress deserves to be celebrated along the way. You may only finish one drawer today, but you finished a drawer. Perhaps you finally made a decision about something you’ve been avoiding for five years. That counts too.

You Can Learn to Become Organized

Toward the end of my conversation with Lesley, I realized how hopeful I felt.

There are so many women who have spent years believing they simply aren’t organized people. They look around their homes and use the clutter as evidence that they’re bad at this.

I don’t believe that.

Organizing is something you can learn. Decision-making is something you can practice. You can get better at recognizing the thoughts and emotions that make certain belongings difficult to release.

Over time, you begin trusting yourself more.

The next time you pick up something and immediately feel stuck, get curious about what’s happening. Ask yourself why this particular item feels difficult. Notice the emotion that comes up and the thought behind it.

You might discover that the decision you’re struggling with isn’t really about a sweater, a set of dishes, an expensive pair of shoes, or a box in the basement.

There’s something underneath it.

Understanding that gives you a place to begin.

Listen to episode 187 of The Organized Coach Podcast, The Emotions Behind Your Clutter with Lesley Spellman, to hear our entire conversation about the emotions behind clutter, where to start when you feel overwhelmed, the three ingredients Lesley recommends for decluttering success, and how you can create an organized home that supports the life you’re living now.